Post by Nathaniel ClerbMy boyfriend doesn't like the hair on my balls, the hair on my leg,
the hair on my chest and the hair on my back.
But I enjoy being a "bear" and my fur is my castle.
I love my boyfriend, but I don't want to shave.He threatens to leave
me.
What should I do now? Please help.
ultimatums are almost always Bad Things in a relationship (unless one
of you has been acting in a self-destructive or hurtful way, which
isn't the case here -- and then there's already a Bad Thing in the
relationship, the ultimatum isn't the real problem). the only good
advice is that the two of you have to think this though and talk it
over. but some things to think about...
a warning: if your boyfriend wants you to change yourself so that you
become his Ideal Man (your hairiness being your only important
shortcoming in his eyes), any changes you make might turn out to be
not as satisfying as the two of you had hoped.
but you need to learn more about what it means for him *not to like*
your body hair. what kind of taste or distaste are we talking about
here? does he find smooth bodies incredibly arousing, so that a hairy
body lacks that erotic power? if so, maybe the two of you might be
willing to settle for sex that is not the hottest of your lives, but
merely pleasant; there's more to your relationship than getting each
other off, right?
on the other hand, does he have an active distaste for hairy bodies,
an arousal-killing distaste, so that sex with you (in your current
bearish state) is pretty icky? then you're probably in real trouble;
one of you is going to have to change -- either you smooth up, or he
learns to eroticize body hair (yes, you'd have to *practice*), or the
two of you accept that to be satisfied by sex with you he's going to
need to run a fantasy in his head (which you might need to feed
verbally).
what about outside getting off together? is your hairiness an
impediment, in his mind, to physical affection between you -- to
embracing, stroking, cuddling, kissing? (i assume that since you're
boyfriends and not just tricking occasionally, physical affection is a
big thing for the two of you.) the pleasures of physical affection
don't have to involve raging hard-ons, and it's often possible to get
enormous satisfaction from intimacy with someone whose body type (or
whatever) isn't really your genital cup of tea. if that works for the
two of you, you might negotiate upping your affection levels, say by
talking to each other wrapped in each other's arms, rather than
sitting side by side or across a table from one another. (and learn
to ask for it. one thing that kept going awry for jacques and me for
some years is that i had a busy, intense life and tended to take him
for granted, while he had a very high need for affection, so he
frequently felt neglected. eventually he told me this, rather
resentfully, and i worked on giving him more affection time -- after
all, i loved it too -- and he learned to ask for it, saying things
like "i need to be in your arms".)
on the other hand, if your boyfriend finds cuddling up with a hairy
guy kind of icky, you've got a serious problem. even more so if he
finds hairy guys unpleasant to just look at. (well, at least your
hairy balls are not an issue here.)
on your part, you're feeling rejected by him, and you probably haven't
explained that to him. probably something else for you two to talk
about.
instead, you've said that you're a bear by nature (literally) and you
like that. but you haven't articulated any of the positive values
that your fur has for you, or what you feel you'd lose (besides your
hair) if you shaved. i'll bet that your sense of masculinity is
somewhere in this package of feelings. if so, you should tell your
boyfriend about that.
yeah, i know, you both are thinking, well if he really loved me, he'd
understand. that's so much bullshit. neither of you is a fuckin'
mind-reader. you have to explain your feelings to one another. (most
guys just hate to do this -- they tend to see this kind of talk as a
confession of weakness -- and fags are not much better than straight
guys on this front. get over it, honey.)
in fact, when there's a problem in a relationship is usually a good
time to unpack something of what each of you means when he says "i
love you" to the other. why do you want to spend time with him?
yeah, you feel good when you're around him, he makes you happy, maybe
even makes you feel like a better person when you're together -- and
you should tell him so, but you should try to be as specific as
possible. what's admirable or delightful about him? be specific,
give examples, and be positive. and ask him to do the same for you.
then you'll have an inventory of reasons to stay together, despite the
current glitch that's taking up so much of your joint attention.
not every glitch is fixable, not every difference resolvable, even
with the best will on both sides and the clearest mutual understanding
of the situation. but if you go the bye-bye-boyfriend route, that
inventory can now serve as a list of reasons to continue as friends
(or buddies, or girlfriends, depending on how you like to think of
these things).
a very practical point: your boyfriend probably doesn't realize what a
hassle body-shaving is. most of the guys who are into getting shaved
or shaving other guys -- and aren't bodybuilders or swimmers or models
or pornstars -- do it for the erotic charge it provides them, and are
willing to go through the trouble that body-shaving involves, just to
get that charge. but... you'll need help, at the very least for
shaving your back; this is not a one-man job. and... if you're a
naturally hairy guy, you're going to be into the stubble zone very
very quickly, and that stubble is *mean* stuff, man, itchy for you and
painful for anybody who gets up close and personal with you. as a
result, you're going to have to get shaved regularly, maybe even every
few days, depending on how bad the stubble problem is. i hope your
boyfriend understands what he's asking of you. i also wonder if he'd
be willing to learn how to do the shaving for you, or to pay for a
professional -- yes, there are such people -- to do it.
b a in p a